Paul and the rest of us... Why is my faith so retarded?

2Corinthians 11:21-30
I’m ashamed to say that we’ve been too “weak” to do that!
But whatever they dare to boast about—I’m talking like a fool again—I dare to boast about it, too. 22 Are they Hebrews? So am I. Are they Israelites? So am I. Are they descendants of Abraham? So am I. 23 Are they servants of Christ? I know I sound like a madman, but I have served him far more! I have worked harder, been put in prison more often, been whipped times without number, and faced death again and again. 24 Five different times the Jewish leaders gave me thirty-nine lashes. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea. 26 I have traveled on many long journeys. I have faced danger from rivers and from robbers. I have faced danger from my own people, the Jews, as well as from the Gentiles. I have faced danger in the cities, in the deserts, and on the seas. And I have faced danger from men who claim to be believers but are not.[a] 27 I have worked hard and long, enduring many sleepless nights. I have been hungry and thirsty and have often gone without food. I have shivered in the cold, without enough clothing to keep me warm.28 Then, besides all this, I have the daily burden of my concern for all the churches. 29 Who is weak without my feeling that weakness? Who is led astray, and I do not burn with anger?
30 If I must boast, I would rather boast about the things that show how weak I am.
-New Living Translation

A man of tragedy, but contentment. He suffered greatly and often. Without clothing, shelter, warmth, beaten countless times. stoned, shipwrecked, left alone in the cold waters, starving and thirsty. Then, states his overall contentment.

11 Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. 12 I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. 13 For I can do everything through Christ,[a] who gives me strength. 14 Even so, you have done well to share with me in my present difficulty. Philippians 4:11-14 NLT

He is content in EVERYTHING! Times of plenty, but more often times of little. Why then is it so Impossible for me as a Christian to follow. Why is my faith so retarded? It is clear Christ wants the Heart of Me, and yet I insist on bartering. I offer my study, offer to learn more, offer to be better, offer everything but to simple let Him have my heart. This struggle is so pitiful! It leaves me a hypocrit, a legalist. How to submit? Jesus still saves radically does He not? The problem isn't with Christ. "My Grace is all you need. My power works best in your weakness." (2Cor 12:9 NLT) The problem isn't with church. It's with Me. I won't submit, I try to maintain the flesh. Try to obey in my own strength, and it seems the last thing I will do is Cry. Cling, just be broken and desperate for Jesus to restore me. To take my heart and transform me. I fear that I read, worship, attend church, and mask my evil deeds, and completely avoid engaging into that relationship with Christ to this point that Paul is at. Absolute devotion . I don't believe Paul is different from us. Made out of something different than we are, He is just willing to follow, submit, and be second. What would it look like If my Life was really lived where God was ultimate and My needs and wants were secondary? My faith is retarded. It's lacking, and I hate it. I desperately want to confess, but fear I won't change. I'm tired of words that hold no power. These are just thoughts. Ones that are often not shared. Ones that only are seen when I am honest. Christ desires a horrifing thing. He wants us. All of us. To be everything we need. Will I let Him change me?